Right now.

I’m literally feeling sick to my stomach. I’m angry, upset and in pain. I’m completely peopled out and, right now, I don’t want to socialise. Right now I don’t want to be nice. Right now I don’t want to smile or joke. Right now I want to both cry my eyes out and scream at the top of my lungs. Right now I wish I didn’t have to go to work. Right now.. I wish I didn’t feel all these feelings so much they make me feel physically ill. 

I’m tired of accommodating other people’s feelings. Trying not to hurt them, trying not judge them. Yet everyone else continues to do exactly the opposite towards me.. Everyone else feels entitled to tell me how I’m doing it wrong, how stupid I am, how much I’m fucking shit up. How I’m doing this mom thing wrong. 

“You should let him cry” “you shouldn’t pick him up so much” “you feed him too soon” “he should sleep in his own room”

How about I do me and you do you. Ok? No? Well, fuck off if you don’t like it. 

Right now, I’m going through some things that are too much for me to handle without feelings so sick. A while ago I discovered we had fleas, everything needs to be cleaned and washed. My home got compared to my mother her dog pre ridden chalet. Then I got told off for “living with my in-laws when I said I didn’t want to” and when I said I didn’t live with them I got raged at for living in a cloud of poison, which I didn’t either. After that the hairdresser I went to completely ruined my hair, I woke up Sunday with an infected tooth, I have to prep myself to wean my son and let him sleep in his own bed because I need my wisdom teeth removed and now my milk supply dropped. And it’s just too damn much. 

I am quite literally on the verge of losing my shit and if it weren’t for my painkillers I’d have a raging migraine right now. 

I’m tired, so tired, of people telling me what to do and judging me without even listening to the whole story. 

So, I’m peopled out. I don’t feel emotionally stable to go to work but I have to go. I don’t want people to do behind my back exactly that what I ask them not to do. I don’t want to hear, 5 times in the span of a minute, if I want a drink I have to get it myself. Just let me do my own thing. I’m not stupid, I know what I’m doing. I’ve been on my own for a long time, I got this. And I certainly don’t need anyone’s unsolicited advice. 

Fuck off.

Little babies grow quickly.

My little nugget turned 5 months a while ago.

Somehow it still feels unreal from time to time.. I never expected to be able to love someone this much from the moment they came in to my life.. I honestly don’t know what I would have done had I not been able to have a baby. I’d have gotten over it, eventually. As I always do but, to think I’d never wake up to his adorable sweet smile or look at his face when he’s about to cry from frustration..

I absolutely love my son. Sure, I’ve had a few moments where I felt like I couldn’t do all this.. yet, I wouldn’t go back to being without him if the chance was offered.
I never really felt like I had much of a purpose in life, I still don’t.. But, this tiny life makes everything more bearable. Every time I look at him he just seems like a miracle to me. A sweet little boy with a heart warming smile.. and part of me can’t wait to see what he’ll do in his life.. but, another part is afraid he won’t be my little boy for long..

Little kids grow and I can’t keep him safe all the time.. I can’t be there for him every second of the day. It feels terrifying already so I shouldn’t think about it too much yet, how can you stop certain thoughts? And even if you do manage to stop them, you know they’re just waiting for you to have a weak moment..

 

Back to work (since last week).

I haven’t died yet. Just getting used to this routine again. Baby is easy, it’s the waking up that kind of hits me a bit hard, some days more than others. 

Today was one of the worse days because baby can’t handle too much solids. He’ll eat it, that’s no issue but, his body can’t process it very well yet so he gets cramps. And cramps wake him up. And that wakes me up. It’ll be temporarily over when he can pass the gas but… might want to add a slight cold to that. Which makes him twice as whiny. 😢

No morning smile for this mommy because her little nugget is not feeling well.. Also, I’m late for work.

I should make a larger post one of these days but for now this is it. 

When life thinks you’ve been happy enough for now.

Things have been going great. Baby is doing well at day care. It’s almost time for me to go back to work. I’m just letting baby decide his own routine. He’s pretty easy to handle so far. Just those cramps can be a nuisance. 

I also went to the doctor because I thought I wasn’t rid of the uterine infection yet but it seems I don’t have a uterine infection anymore. Doctor isn’t sure what’s wrong so she’ll need to request more tests on new samples of pee. If that results into nothing I have to go see a urologist. 

Life isn’t done with me yet apparently. It makes me angry somehow to always get this sort of crap thrown in my face. Why can’t it just leave me the fuck alone. I’m just so tired of having to handle shit I don’t want to handle. Ever since that gluten thing happened my body just hasn’t been the same anymore.

The only thing I can do is to just wait for results, accept the results and live with it if it’s something that will stick with me for life. Obviously I’ll be very angry and / or upset at first so don’t expect me to “just get over it”. People need to process things first before it can be filed and given a place in the “crap I wish I could forget” cabinet. This better not be anything serious. 

I’m not saying I feel like a cripple or that I have physical problems. I don’t want pity. I don’t want “poor you” crap. Nothing is sure yet and this may be something easily cured. Wait and see is the answer!

Day care blues.

Baby went to day care first time yesterday and he did great! Ate well but, his naps are a little short for now. Hopefully that will change when he gets used to being at day care. I’m also kind of pissed off at my father in law for spontaneously showing up at day care at 10am without asking or warning anyone. I asked A about this because she hadn’t mentioned this to me when I came to pick up baby yesterday and she confirmed that he had shown up unannounced and she didn’t really know how to handle the situation because she was unprepared (she never had this happen in her entire career).

I’m not really pissed at him for wanting to see his grandchild. I’m pissed because I’ve been home for so long with baby all by myself and he never once asked to visit and now? Now he just hops by day care to see baby. WITHOUT ASKING ME. You CAN’T just DROP BY a day care! They have rules because of idiots who kidnap children! No random visits because it’s a rule! It’s in the terms which I signed! You can’t just hop in for a chat! There’s other kids around, no one has time for you!

So yes, I am pissed because he did this BEHIND MY BACK. I didn’t even get a chance to ask A if she’d even mind (she does mind, I asked her this morning). I already gave my husband the full rant and yes, he’s lonely. BUT, YOU ASK ME. I’M THE MOMMY. NO ONE GETS PAST ME! I already told my mother you have to ASK for permission FIRST so don’t make me blow up in your face.

That or he’s scared to ask me because I can be such a bitch? Nah. He doesn’t want to ask me because just DROPPING BY UNANNOUNCED AT DAY CARE IS SO MUCH EASIER. Husband gets to clean up this one because I think his dad sometimes pretends he can’t understand a word I’m saying. -_-

Can you tell I’m pissed?

Urg, there’s the spiral of depression / anger / anxiety again.

I’m back at that part where I want to lock everyone out of my life. This turmoil in my chest keeps making me feel angry and this shit music in the background isn’t helping me. I hate this ugly angry feeling.. I seriously need to get back to work.. being home for so long is damaging.. Ah, to feel like destruction is the only way to feel better. It’s been a while since I felt this. I didn’t miss it, I won’t miss it when it passes. 

Back to wanting to run away from everything. Back to wanting to cut ties with everyone. Feeling like they just don’t get it. Like all I speak is some sort of code.. and there’s no key to unlock it. No universal translator to make something of this gibberish. Nothing to untangle the useless amount of chaos I have in my head because it’s all pointless. 

I might as well live as a hermit. Keeping relations feels like it’s not worth the time nor effort. I wish I could just be done with humanity because they’re all wishy washy and just annoying. Humans are too unpredictable and complex and it takes too much energy to keep this up.. 

Baby is currently sleeping in his bouncer at grandpa’s so I can’t snuggle him or nom on his cheeks to make me feel better. I’m just sitting here being cold. Hating the wp app. Rocking the bouncer with my feet. 

I believe I need a hug.. 

Just gtfo.

I’m sick of being stuck at home. I’m sick of having nothing to talk about.. and not really having anyone to talk to.. as if there’s anyone out there that wants to hear me mope about how baby refuses the bottle when I try to give it. At least he takes a bottle at daycare. 

I’m tired. Probably more mentally tired then I expected.. and so done with this shit. I’m done trying to talk to people about my issues. No one cares anyway. Apparently I’m too stupid to realise I’m probably the problem. Ofcourse I’m the reason baby refuses the damned bottle. No I am not getting upset or what fucking ever before I try to feed him. 

Thanks, again, for making me feel like a pile of incompetent blob. Just what I needed to get a motivational boost. A verbal slap telling me I’m the problem because it’s all I talk about. I should obviously talk more about the fucking walls because, hey, I’VE GOT NOTHING ELSE TO TALK ABOUT. No shit. 

Guess I’m good enough to complain at but, not good enough to be listened at.

Also, wp. Your app is still shit. Fix it ffs. 

Well, whatever works I guess.

Baby went to a day care try out today. Just 3 hours though.. and lo and behold.. baby drank from a bottle! Just.. with a hand pressed against his nose and hiding the bottle at the same time.. There is no denying that this is definitely my baby. 

Baby did well at day care so I’m not worried sick anymore. I’ll miss him though when he goes full days starting February first.. I wonder how I’ll handle things when I get back to work within 3 weeks. 

So, I’m at my in-laws now. Listening to horrible Flemish music because my father-in-law turned it on. If there’s one thing Belgium sucks at.. it’s music. We can do movies but, we suck at music. That or I’m just biased because they all sing in such proper shitty “I’m Flemish but I sing with a Dutch accent” way.. ugh, so bad. 

Also. I bought baby’s first shoes. 😍

Baby likes to watch tv. Music videos if I have to be me specific.. So, I am letting him watch kpop. Yes. Kpop. You heard me. Bright, bouncy music. His giggles are all worth it! All of it! ❤

A little less than a month..

And I’ll be back to work. I miss work. Kind of. At any rate, I won’t have to fear that baby will starve. He’s very eager when drinking from a cup.. VERY eager.. So eager he’ll get cranky when he can’t drink fast enough.. 

I admit you need patience with it.. because it’s different from a bottle and you can’t just pour it in.. So you’re basically trying to hold your laughter while watching him lap it up like an excited little puppy. 😍 Ahh.. too cute!!

He spills less and for some reason my husband is better at cup feeding than I am.. which resulted in me buying extra sippy cups. I definitely need to get baby to learn to drink from one properly before day care starts. 

Now to figure out a schedule…. 

Maybe I’m kind of.. screwed. Oeps.

Baby refuses the bottle. I may have to use a cup. Have I screwed myself over? Who knows. Perhaps baby hates the formula.. ? Or he doesn’t want the bottle because mommy is softer and more comfortable? 

I ordered some feeding cups that should arrive tomorrow so we’ll see how that works out. I wish I didn’t have to go back to work just because of this.. but, I also want to go back just for company of people and free coffee. Oh, and also because I like my job. 

Soon my little baby will go to daycare and I will worry myself to bits..